The word dysfunctional is so overused these days. If you really think back to your childhood who didn’t have a little dysfunction in it? I really don’t believe there are too many families that have led the Brady bunch life. So I’m not going to spend a whole lot of time talking about my childhood. My childhood and what I went through growing up shaped to me into the strong independent woman that I am today.
Because of a lack of strong positive role models growing up and the lack of healthy marriage role models I ended up making a very similar mistake as my parents did. I got married very young, I was only 20. Heck I was not even old enough to have a glass of wine at my own wedding! I had no idea what a happy healthy marriage was supposed to look like. I thought I knew what I was doing, no one could tell me I was doing it wrong. I was stubborn even back then. Deep down I knew I wasn’t happy, not truly happy. Something always seemed to be missing so I kept trying to find happiness by buying more, doing more projects, finding a new and different job and even tried therapy a few times. Those were all temporary fixes. The unhappiness always came back, but I kept playing the game. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t miserable all the time, there were some good years there.
I had two beautiful baby girls that gave my life meaning. As long as I was focused on them I could be happy. My girls have grown into amazing women and I like to think that they had a happy childhood. Maybe someday they will tell me otherwise but I truly hope not. As they grew and became young adults and needed me less and less the focus fell more on the marriage as does with many marriages I’m sure. It was at this time that I could no longer lie to myself. My biggest fear was to one day wake up in my seventies and have a life of regrets and to look at myself in the mirror with sad vacant eyes staring back at me wondering what could have been. Could I have found happiness or would I have found only more loneliness? Would I be a bitter old woman because I wasn’t strong enough or brave enough to leave? Change is scary. Fear can be debilitating. I was worried about all the people I would be letting down, the people that would see this as a failure and all the people that would not understand why. To an outside observer my life seemed good. A nice house with a pool in the backyard, dogs and children and a husband who was a good provider and a good father. I started asking friends “how do you know if you’re in love?” After 25 years of marriage I honestly could not say that I was ever in love. I felt we both deserved more.
I started to imagine and dreamed of a different life. A happy life. As each day passed I found myself getting stronger and braver so when an opportunity arose for housing outside of my family home I took it. I was only working part-time and really did not know how I was going to financially make it. Unfortunately I think this is a roadblock for many women in similar circumstances, but let me tell you the struggles are definitely worth it.
Walking out of that house was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. One daughter by my side and one staying back with her father so he would not be alone. I told you they grew up to be amazing women! Lack of tears and a stoic face was misinterpreted by the daughter that stayed behind as not caring. I thought I was doing the right thing by not showing emotion to spare her my heartbreak. I did not want to make it any harder on my girls than it already was. They did not need to take on my burden.
After two days in my new temporary home I found myself looking in the mirror and questioning why I thought I deserved happiness. “What are you doing, why do you think you deserve to be happy?’ I actually said these words out loud. It was a very profound moment for me. Even though I had been searching for happiness for many years I still questioned why I thought I deserved it. I look back on it now and think it’s absurd. Of course I deserved happiness, we all do. Maybe it was fear creeping in but regardless I stood my ground, stayed strong and brave. I knew I was at a fork in the road and one way led to happiness and the other to regrets. Part of me thought even though my girls were devastated by this that I would be disappointing them by going back and not providing a strong role model for them and I used that notion as fuel to keep going down my new path. I knew I would be disappointed with myself if I took the easy way and went back, this opportunity would not come again and I needed to take advantage of it.
So I know what you are thinking, when does the life become bad ass? Well I’m getting to it!
After three months in my temporary housing my daughter and I moved into an apartment. It was a struggle to pay rent every month and to buy groceries but we managed. I remember one morning as I was lugging my laundry into the laundry room in the rain how happy I was. Even though I was doing chores in the rain I was free. This still brings a smile to my face! My journey to a bad ass life had just begun. I felt so empowered by the choice that I made and it showed on my face. Coworkers commented on it and my girls knew I was finally happy!
Now I had no intention of jumping right into a new relationship but I met a great guy who is now my husband. We were together for 7 ½ years before we got married. As he says we were building our life together and a piece of paper was not needed to confirm that we would be together forever. We have built a bad ass life together! I have a life full of independence, encouragement and support. A life of adventures big and small and endless opportunities to learn and experience something new. A life full of love. Your definition of a bad ass life could be much different than mine but that doesn’t matter as long as it’s bad ass to you!
To me challenging yourself physically and mentally is bad ass. Living to your true potential, being your happiest most fulfilled self is bad ass. Running and hiking adventures and traveling to amazing places near and far is bad ass. Eating healthy (and not always so healthy) amazing food and trying new breweries and wineries is bad ass. Simply sitting outside under the stars listening to live music is bad ass. Walking through the forest preserves on a chilly morning with a cup of coffee in hand soaking in all the sights and smells is bad ass. Pushing beyond what you thought you were capable of and what you thought your limits were is bad ass. Meeting and speaking and engaging with new people is bad ass. Stepping outside your comfort zone and realizing that only you are holding yourself back from your true potential and real happiness is bad ass.
Whatever you imagine your bad ass life looks like, it is there just waiting for you. Which way will you turn at the fork in the road?